yesterday i was pretty much forced out of the house cause kris needed me to change the ticket for his dress blues and to pick up his medals while he was out on the range so i had no choice but to drag my happy ass out of bed. might i add that even though it took me 2 hours to get out of bed, i did it! i went all the way to 29 and i was feeling a bit social so i called up wendy and asked her to make me chicken ramen haha... i've been wanting some so bad and i bought the wrong one! chili of all flavors T_T.. so i spent the day there and pigged out and napped and ate some more. i guess it was a long day for the boys but they finally got off work and i headed home and enjoyed my ipod and was singing way off key. but it was nice :) well kris got up at 0330 again this morning and i finally cranked up the heater. i knew kris was cold too cause he crawled back into bed for a few mins and was shivering.. like i can feel him through the quilt and down comforter! i was like F THIS! it's 67* in the house.. i think we'll be alright if we have it at 75 again. granted 75 felt like arctic winds in the summer but when it's set on heater mode i guess it's not too bad. and plus it's a way big plus than a frigid 67. so i'm happy and not shivering my buns off. i still need to pack and as usual i'm procrastinating to either tonight but very likely tomorrow morning when kris goes to 29 to try on his blues. i have a headache cause i couldn't go back to bed after kris left for work so i stayed up and payed bills and downloaded movies to keep me busy while i'm home and my mom's at work. ehhh need. sleep.

yay! i just booked a 1wk trip to go back to san fran to spend time with my family while kris is in pendleton for several days. i can't wait to go back and hopefully i won't be sick as horse while i'm there. hopeful wishing right?

i'm still alive today and after having kris wake me up unintentionally for his regular midnight snack i teased him relentlessly as soon as he crawled back into bed with, "they should call you little mouse.. nibble nibble crunch crunch." hahaha... he seriously thought i was sleep talking until i went nibble nibble crunch crunch har har... he chuckled and passed right back out until his alarm woke us both up at 0330. i'm hating this week cause he has duty tomorrow which means i won't see him until friday afternoon and also he's been at the rifle range all wk which means he's gone 16+hrs a day. after my sad attempt to make dinner last night i had a break down and cried and cried and kris was still hungry so he got us burritos at santana's. can't say it's the tastiest but it's by far better than what i can make as of late.

i am so sick of being sick and tired. i've only been up less than 7 hours and i'm so tired i'm ready to go to bed again. too bad kris had a long day at the rifle range and will be back at it at 0330 tmmrw morning. f our lives right? i wasn't feeling up for it but i made a dinner of rice, veggies with white cheese shells and pork chops. just rice for me please and maybe kris will eat everything else. i have a huge headache and i really think it's from not eating but i will not eat if it means i will be sick over the toilet again. this is really ticking me off and i hope God will ease off me in a hot minute.

after about 16hours of sleep i could still use some more sleep and a bit of hopeful wishing never hurt right? my referral to an ob took a shit on me cause that ob is out until nov 8th and i need to see someone asap cause morning sickness is kicking my ass. i really wish i can just calm and soothe myself so i'm not feeling so yucky all the time. having a terrible time with that and i can't help but cry and cry cause it's the only thing i can still control. it's such a terrible feeling. i want to get better. i need to get better. holy cow and kris is leaving for a wk to pendleton so that's gonna be fun hmmm? psych!

all day yesterday was pretty terrible. no matter what i ate or drank i threw it back up. i literally went through a rainbow of colors in the toilet and by the end of the night i was more than happy to take tylenol pm's to know myself out. but as i had already anticipated it came right back up. i'm feeling a bit better today but i'm still pretty discouraged to eat or drink anything so i'm kinda slowly dying in bed. ugh. i can't do this anymore! save me!

i know it's still the weekend but since i got a jump start for the weekend.. what the heck. so on friday, kris got off early and we headed off to miramar to pick up his friend who was doing some swim thing and we had dinner at pho ca dao like 5 mins from mcas miramar and it was so delicious! i had my first bowl of pho since i got married and mmmmmm it was heaven! kris got the vermicelli noodles which was like a big salad with bbq chicken with it and it smelled so good! we each got our favorite drinks.. he got the vietnamese iced coffee and i got the 3 color bean with coconut milk. i ate myself silly and kris just raised an eyebrow and said 'you always eat too much' i can't help it.. it's been so long since i've had real asian food and it felt so good to eat homey food. we got home before midnight and we watched youth revolt and kris fell asleep 20mins in and when i turned off the laptop when the movie was over an hour later he woke up and was like hey... i was watching that. haha.. silly guy, he really needs some rest and TLC. then yesterday, we cleaned and did alot of laundry. i think alot might be an understatement. all our clothes are washed and put away, all the sheets on the bed are clean and tucked in, all the rugs are washed and back where they belong.. and the house is spotless. we crashed for an afternoon nap but for some reason i guess he was feeling pregnant too cause he threw up. after feeling icky with me for awhile we sat in the shower and just relaxed and we got dressed to head out to meet larry in riverside for dinner. for some reason i get car sick now so about half way there i got really moody cause kris wouldn't stop talking to me and i really wanted to throw up. so i snapped and i told him to shut it cause i wanna spew everywhere. not the nicest thing to say but i was trying to keep my insides in me. finally a long 20mins later we got to larry's and i ran to the bathroom so fast and everything came up. it was so yucks. but i felt GREAT. another hour long ride to san gabriel and we had hot pot and grill for dinner. it was so fun! just like when i was a kid with meats and veggies :D larry loaded the soup up with so much veggies and lamb that the broth was so sweet and savory. we decided to get to ranch 99 cause we're both craving duck but by the time we got the the hot deli was closing and only hot foods like noodles were still available. so we got some snacks and drinks for the house and went to tapex to grab some drinks for the ride home. that part of the night went by with a blur.. i was falling asleep at tapex and i was hot and cold and i wanted to sleep so bad. an hour or so later we were pulling up to larry's house and i crashed in the car. made some small talk with kris but we were both so tired. we finally got home and showered since we both smelled like our dinner hehe.. and for some reason i didn't wanna cuddle :( so i told kris to stay on his side of the bed and i had another mood swing. my mood swings are gonna be the end of me.. ahhhhh! we got up a couple hours ago and i'm back to feeling icky and kris got lucky and escaped the wrath of me by running out for a haircut. i'm not feeling up to doing anything today but i think those panda cookies are calling my name :)

i wouldn't stop bugging my cousin last night about wanting chinese food hella bad so he offered to buy me lunch if i went to go visit him. hell yeah i took the opportunity... so i drove to riverside and picked him up and we went to university cafe. mmmm we both got milk teas and he got the bbq pork rice and i got the canto soy chicken and OMG so freaking delicious lol and let me tell you... it was bomb diggity! i barely ate half my plate but it was so freaking delicious! so now i have my other half packed to go and i can't wait to dive into it for dinner :D

apparently my morning sickness comes in waves. in fact, i can stomach food and a few hours later i'll be hurling like it's an exorcism. oh yucks yucks. kris got up for work this morning and since i couldn't sleep i stayed up and watched some tv and then passed out from 7-noon. then got up and made some lunch but that didn't stay down for very long. after a long sickish time on the couch for several hours i sat in the shower with the hot water running on me for an hour and it felt so good. it sure got chilly out here in the desert real quick and having the house at 71 is killing me. i really want to break the thermostat right about now. curled up in bed with pizza going in the oven waiting for kris to get home to pamper me. but too bad since he'll have to crash right away since he needs to be up at 330. FML that means i'll be up with him too... it's lovely getting my AM kisses with him but he can't seem to leave the house without waking me up and sometimes it makes me miserable the rest of the day. i love them but i love my sleep too... waahhhh... i also have this serious craving for PHO and hot pot.. maybe i can convince kris to go to la again this weekend so i can get my grub on.

i just got my first set of sport bras! whoa it's been a long time since i've worn one... like adolescence. pretty intense stuff if you ask me! kris also treated me to a box of pepperidge farm entertaining box which is a nice variety box of amazing buttery chocolatey cookies. so yum!

feeling so much better :) it's finally raining here in the desert and i woke up to a fat rain storm and lots and lots of thunder. it was soothing and annoying at the same time haha.. i would've loved more sleep soooo yeah. i'm not feeling sick like i was yesterday so it's a relief! mmm just got word kris made the cutting score well above what was needed for CPL so he's NCO! whooo lol i'm so happy for him! i should be going out and running errands but i'm really not digging it lol it's all wet and cold.. perfect cuddle weather. i also booked us a room up north for thanksgiving wk so i'm crossing my fingers that it'll all work out and we can go! i'm really excited to go and i hope that when the time comes it'll be all go!

i spent most of the day at my dr's today doing tests and waiting on referrals and etc etc.. such a pain in the ass but my family phys is doubling as my ob until my referrals get sorted out. not so bad though since he used to practice obgyn up until a few years ago. on top of that i've been feeling under the weather all day and i guess my last 3 days of bliss had to come back to earth sometime so man oh man did i feel pregnant again. nothing stayed down today until kris and i went on a date to rancho mirage to the cheesecake factory. after a cup of hot tea i was able to wolf down some calamari, big bites of his smokehouse burger and half of my chicken avocado club. food coma! so ready to let this food digest haha.. my hormones have been a bit over the place and i sometimes feel like crying one min and laughing the next. then i'm happy and raging pissed at everyone all in a moment. my dr advised me to not kill kris when i'm having serious cravings and we don't have it cause pregnant women do get nutsy sometimes haha.. instead of taking regular prenatal vitamins my dr has me on flintstones chewables which is nice since most prenatals will make you sick if you're not sick already. i'm just glad i can keep my morning sickness under control. it's so debilitating and hopeless when i can't even function like make the bed or walk to the other room. on an awesome note my cervix is shut so all the praying worked! no sutures for me. just waiting on lab results now to make sure my hcg levels are going up normally and then we can breathe and wait for next month. hopefully we'll have our first ultrasound by then!

yesterday was such a good day :) i was feeling real good and was craving good food so kris and i drove to LA but not after we're in morongo basin and realized he left his wallet at home lol so another half hour spent driving back to the house for it. got to about beaumont and it was so gloomy and rainy and we smelt the wet rain air and it was so nice. what a difference altitude makes right? we got to rosemead at hakata ramen shin sen gumi at 1 and didn't get a table til almost 2 but it was so worth it! kris got a takana fried rice with his ramen and i got spam masubi with mine and WOW food coma! then we went across the st to lee's sandwiches and i got a honey chrysanthemum tea and kris got a vietnamese ices coffee and whooo i really miss asian flavors! it was so yummy :) then we went to long beach so i can get a wax and pedi and my nail lady gave me lots of fruit which btw i need to take out of my purse. then we went to the cerritos mall to try and look for a new ball gown but it was a fail. they had such a sad selection of dresses. so off to lakewood mall we went and yay! i got a new dress :) then we went to ktown and drove around quite a bit looking for our regular korean bbq place and WOW another food coma :D i even paced myself but the food kicked my ass and i almost passed out at the table. so so delicious! got home around midnight and crashed out at 1am but let me tell you, my appetite isnt huge but i definitely am eating the way i should so it's pretty awesome! maybe olive garden for lunch today before my appointment?

i also find out if i need my cervix sutured closed today so i'm super anxious and nervous. not to self.. next time i'm in la we need to stop at a sam woo and buy some chinese cold cuts and some chinese style bbq and deli meats. mmmmm i'm missing out lol

i'm starving. like super hungry. i can hardly distinguish between stomach aches and hunger pains now. it's kinda ridiculous especially when kris says, it's been 5hrs since you last ate, i think you're hungry, and not need to throw up. sit down and eat. whoa.... so now i think i'm hungry. o.0 i'm gonna get so fat so fast.

i've taken myself off of all meds. almost all. i take a couple tylenols during the day when i have raging headaches and a couple of PM's at night if i can't sleep by 10pm. it's pretty incredible but i've only had the urge to dry heave once this afternoon. i kinda figured being pumped up with all these meds can't be good for me so i just dropped it all. i still need to get out and exercise more cause my arms and legs are so weak and i can barely walk from the bedroom to the living room without getting dizzy. it's so pathetic. i'm so grateful i have such a wonderful husband who takes care of everything i need. now i'm just dreading him leaving to pendleton for even a few days. one a upside, he loaded up the fridge today with ready to cook meals and popcorn chicken so i can eat a bit here and there. i had some popcorn chicken, and sun chips today. definitely the most i've eaten in quite a while. i've lost about 5lbs already so we'll see what the dr has to say on monday. i'm really nervous about it cause this pregnancy is so close to the miscarriage that my dr thinks my cervix might still be open and they'll have to suture me up if that's the case. i really hope my front door is shut and that all is well. and btw, to that crazy man that says jesus doesn't answers prayers - he did. and i'm glad.
kris bought some campbell's soups and they tasted so yucky. maybe cause it's the healthy choice ones haha.. but they tasted pretty garbage to me so i might just stick to the cup o' noodles for some quick food.

i know it's not TMI tuesday but my sex drive and libido is 100% shot at this point. i don't even want to be spooned or touched. idk what it is but i think kris thinks i hate him or don't love him anymore. so not that case but i really am not in the mood whatsoever. i think about sex. ALOT. too much at that but i can not get in the mood no matter what is it he's doing. it's pretty nuts right now in the bedroom. so now it's not even 10 yet and he's dead asleep and i'm blogging away.

i just want to eat and feel full without worrying about throwing it all up shortly after. i'm so sad and depressed cause i don't feel like the way i used to pre pregnancy. i'm really hating this right now.

i just woke up from a 13hour power nap. i gave up and took 2 tylenol pm's and crashed within an hour of that. woke up energized but as usual within a couple mins that euphoric feeling goes away and i crash so now i'm back in bed and maybe i'll take another nap. i've also had my phone on silent for a while now and it's nice to not hear my phone and respond only when i want to and not feel guilty. after all, my phone is on silent and i didn't hear it. didn't watch grey's anatomy last night so maybe i'll stream it here in a min and i'm crossing my fingers that kris will get off on time tonight. it's really nice having someone at home with me. especially someone who'll cuddle me and make sure i'm all nice comfy :)

feeling so queasy today... not much has changed except i'm just queasy. i can't eat or drink or it all comes up so i just sleep and take my meds now. i felt so guilty cause last night i told kris i don't want to do this anymore and i just want this darn thing out of me. i know some people want it so bad but to be sick like this all the time is just not worth it to me. i now i'm talking crazy and just being selfish but i can't help but feel this way. it's really driving me up the wall. i can't even have a sane day where i can say 'time out, let me eat some cereal with REAL milk'. it's a bit much to be honest.

so i was finally was able to fall asleep for a late morning nap and tap tap tap on the door so i freak out and i open it and there's this short man asking if i thought God answered prayers. I looked at him and i'm like, 'look i'm sick so make it quick.' and he's like God doesn't answer all prayers and you shouldn't expect him to so here's a magazine with scriptures from the bible if you have any questions. omg it pissed me hell off. i really don't care right now and i just want to nap! i'm so tired and irritated and sick and the next time another freakin' jehovah's witness comes to my door they'll be getting a piece of my mind up their ass. i'm so pissed and annoyed.

on another note i have yet to throw up my breakfast of toast and soy milk. and i also made it through the night without my zofran. i was feeling a bit nauseous when i woke up though but at least i know i can go from 3 pills a day to 2 now. i hope.

just beautiful. as soon as i was done posting about my miracle drug, i threw up all my entire subway dinner pickles and all. i was not having it.

i was however, able to keep down my fruity pebbles with soy milk from breakfast today and i even was able to make it to the airport to bring jenna and her mom to base! i was feeling cruddy by the time we got to 29. oh boy, it's gonna be a tough one! there was a problem with getting a referral for my OB but it should be good to go in a wk or so *crosses fingers* and i'm even more pumped with drugs so i'll have me some crackers and take a nap. it'll be my first nap this whole entire day! i think kris is gonna come home and make some pasta tonight so i'm really excited to get a couple bites in... mmmmm :)

my appointment today left me so drained. i pretty much slept the whole way there and most of the way back. i'm officially pumped up on meds until my doctor can expedite my referral to an ob. so for now i'm on zofran, stool softener, prenatal vitamins, tylenol pm, and whatever i need to get me through the day. holy cow, i'm miserable being pregnant right now. i really wish the first trimester will fly by and i'll probably sleep through most of it cause of all the meds but i really want the sickness to go away. i'm an emotional wreck and my whole body aches and sometimes all i can do is cry to give myself some solace or help me get some rest. i'm waiting for the tylenol pm to kick in right now and when it does kris' alarm will go off at 0530 and i'll be hating my life cause it's so early. i'm so grateful to have him in my life. idk how he puts up with me but the poor guy does everything in his power to make me comfy and each day bearable. i really want to shoot myself in the face right now cause i'm so miserable. i really am praying that this will get better. to all the ladies out there who will have little to no sickness, i am extremely jealous and probably will want nothing to do with you or want to hear how easy it was for you until years down the line. i think after this child, i'm done. i can't stand being sick like this more than i have to. so if kris doesn't get the girl that he wants oh well. if he doesn't get the boy that he wants oh well. i'm just glad we can get pregnant and have one on the way. so for now, let's pray that my pillow will scream my name soon, that i will have a normal poop sometime tomorrow and that i can sleep most of the day.

i get to get pick up jenna tmmrw at the airport and bring her back to base before i can go home. idk how i'm gonna make it there and back without dying. maybe i'll have her drive when she gets in the car.

spent the good chunk of my day in the ER yesterday and i was lucky enough to have kris watch my cry while i spewed blood all over the floor and my gown from my IV. apparently i have a severe form of morning sickness called hyperemesis gravidarum or HG which affects less than 2-5% of all pregnant woman. i was super dehydrated cause i couldn't keep down any solids or fluids from the last week or so when my morning sickness kicked in and i had enough of it and told kris it's time for us to hit up the ER. whew... they gave me zofran which stopped the almost all the nausea and vomiting and a bag of fluids which made me feel like the foster chicken wanna be's from the foster farm commercials haha i was all pumped up. i'm eating my fruity pebbles now with soy milk which is supposed to be easier for my stomach to digest. i'm finally gonna see my dr today so let's see what kinda drugs he'll pump me up with and i hope that all the labs are normal.

i guess i made up for the lack of sleep by taking a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. poor kris wanted to sleep so bad but couldn't and now i'm tossing and turning. i took an hour walk earlier with kris around the neighborhood and had a sauna like shower together and it felt so good. i need to really start moving and get healthy to help with my stubborn bowels (TMI i know....) and to help me sleep better. when i'm gassy now idk if i need to burp or throw up. the sensation feels about the same up until the heaving/burp part. aiyah what am i gonna do?! my mom offered to come out but i'm really not up to seeing anyone or wanting to make conversation on someone else's term. so maybe i'll turn her down and tell her i'll see her plenty much when i move home in a couple months.

having all that chinese last night was a bad move. i was up half the night in pain T_T and i feel so bad for waking kris up at 4am cause he works so much all the time. but i was on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out cause i was so tired and miserable and the nausea and vomiting never seems to stop. he held me and when i said i wanted to sleep in the bathroom so i didn't have to run back and forth when i needed to throw up or pee, kris got pillows and our quilt and laid on the floor with me. wow, it blew me away. so i felt bad and made kris get back in bed and i went with him and it was nice. then he went to the store at 630 and got me soy milk, cereal and some other goodies and now he's cleaning the house and making it pretty and neat. i really don't know how i got so lucky but i'm glad cause i really need it right now. and even if i wasn't pregnant i know i have the best guy God could've given to me. i hope that I'm feeling up to it right now cause i want to go to church but there's no point in being sick the whole time there. i really hope that at my dr's appt he can give me some ginger pills or something to alleviate this sickness i'm going nuts with.

i somehow had an amazingly hearty appetite and wolfed down half an order of chow mein, a medium order of hot and sour soup and i'm contemplating on that egg roll in a little bit. i had no idea i could do that in the midst of the sickness o.0 it's pretty impressive! but now i'm clutching my tummy in pain cause i definitely ate too much. let's see if there are noodles in my throw up tmmrw morning. oh boy, i can't wait for 930am to come around and the wave of morning sickness kicks me in the face lol

this morning sickness is kicking my ass. i have a raging headache, my stomach is never full for more than a couple hours, and i'm always sleepy. holy cow... idk if i can go through this again for another child o.0 maybe i'll stop at this one. i'm kinda glad kris has a long weekend this weekend. he can hold my hair up and watch/listen to me puke. hooray!

so much for stomaching 7up and saltines. not feeling so good.. ehhhhh

i was so excited to get something in my stomach that i think i ate myself sick with saltines and 7up. omg.. bad headache and tummy ache. womp womp womp.

i need more movies to watch. i'm dying of boredom and i just realized how annoying rachael ray's voice is. so i guess no more food network for me. im so hungry i can't wait to get some saltines and 7 up in me. whooooo and my care packages just got here but too bad i can't stand the smell of food so i'm pretty much not cooking or cleaning for a while.

i thought i got lucky cause i woke up to no sickness for about 10 mins. and right as i thought how lucky i was, i can feel the nausea setting in. so it looks like i HAVE to run to the store and get another case of 7up and some saltines. i hate saltines but it might be the only thing i can have. and brushing my teeth only makes my nausea worse. fantastic eh? not really lol.. i really want some seafood. i'v been craving some good ol boiling crab. or delicious korean bbq. mmmmm :) sushi sounds good too lol so what do i have for bfast? toast and milk? after my jist with my milk and marshmallow mateys yesterday idk about milk o.0 the care packages from my mom should be here today or tmmrw so i'm really excited to see what she's sent me. everything that were my fave foods before either doesn'd sound very appetizing right now or just smells gross.. o.0 and kris must really love me now too..i can't even do the dishes cause the smell of grease is revolting and i can't stand long enough without wanting to throw up haha.. wow.

i rested my hand on kris while he was sleeping cause i was sending emails on my phone and my hand was suddenly drenched in sweat. it's so yucky... no wonder he thinks the house is freezing at 69! he's got such a high resting body temp it's pretty nuts. it's bad enough i can't sleep cause i'm hot and cold but he also sleeps like a starfish and he's sticky and sweaty as heck! aiyah... i'm already prepping for the move home while he's deployed so i can at least be around family while i'm pregnant and give into my cravings whenever i want lol.. so far the only thing i haven't puked up from dinner are my pringles, pickles and 7 up... mmmmm but the pickles are kinda spicy so i need to look for some better ones. but i'm still so hungry. sighs.. i had milk and marshmallow mateys for breakfast and i threw it all up. nothing like chunks of milk and marshmallow in my hair. note to self, time keep a hair tie on wrist at all times.

well i hurled everywhere and i wasn't sure if i was just pregnant or had a stomach bug so i went to the ER cause my dr is out of town and it's just met being pregnant. i'm at about 5 wks now and as soon as my hcg levels keeps going up it looks like we'll have a kiddo here in 35 wks. so as of now kris and i are the parents of a 5wk old or so fetus.

i cry over everything. i'm an emotional wreck. these hormones are making me bounce off the wall. crying actually helps the nausea. ironic huh? lol

i'm freakin' sick of being sick. omggg... the only thing that tastes absolutely delicious is COLD MILK. but i get a tummy ache cause it's too cold but warm milk tastes garbage! my mom is sending me bunches of stuff to cook and homey things i'm used to. about time! i harassed her haha now i owe her shipping charges T_T argh! i was craving zucchini so i bought a couple and now the thought of them makes me sick. and we have asparagus but it looks like i'm gonna throw them out cause since i pee so much i don't want to make it stinkier than it has to be. ok like serious TMI but really. i wake up sick til i go to bed sick. the 7up has been helping but only if i sip it constantly and with me running to the bathroom 2-4 times an hour as is, idk if it's a long term solution.

i'm nauseated from the time i'm awake til i pass out at night. i'm making myself sleep and sleep so i won't feel so cruddy. thank goodness kris went and got me some lemon lime soda so i can settle my tummy a bit. went to the commissary for the case lot sale today and spent $8 on 4 cases of dasani water. it wasn't bad.. pretty good actually lol and i bought lots of milk. been craving and drinking lots of milk lately. also i discovered that i have heartburn and acid reflux for the first time in my life. i've been craving and eating so much spicy foods that even kris raised an eyebrow. i got wendy (kris' unit buddy's wife) to make me camarones el diabla. holy crap i loaded like half a giant bottle of valentina hot sauce and it's pretty tasty. whooooo and hot cheetos makes the roof of my mouth hurt so no bueno. off to bed i go :D

having to pee like a million times a day, i got really curious and took a test and it says i'm pregnant! :D kris came home and read the test and got the biggest smile. got an appt next wk so crossing my fingers! whooooo lol i hope everything works out this time around! really excited!

just took a test and it says pos! that might explain peeing every 20mins like i drank a gallon of water each time and sore boobs and achey body pains. pretty excited but waiting to make an appt with my dr for blood work. let's cross our fingers!

so much has happened this year. i mean massive amounts. i tried doing the right thing but somehow it still isn't sitting right with me. i wish everything was alright and i was more rational about making life changing decisions but here i am. there is some regret and it eats a hole in me everyday. i wish i gave things more time to play out but i knew that i had already ruined my life so why drag someone down with me? sometimes i feel like that puzzle with only one piece missing. you try to ignore that it's gone but it's always in the back of your mind and you wonder what happened? will i ever find it? will it ever be whole again?

but in all bitterness there is some sweetness.

trying to take the high road and doing the right thing doesn't always make me feel as if i've done the right thing. it might've been the right choice to make for that particular situation but it didn't mean no one got hurt. but if it hurts the one i love, does that mean i still did the right thing?